Gotta feel, baby

It's been a while since I put a finger on the keyboard. I just did not 'feel' like it. For that matter, I do not feel like it now either. I'm supposed to be hitting the books; instead, I'm heading for the hills. So, what do I feel like now? I feel like hightailing it; take to my heels and run to the hills. So, in this utterly restless moment when I am in the process of flying the coop and I am desperately trying to bring my attempt at escapism into fruition, emotions escape me. I do not feel for anything at the moment. All my ideologies and noble concepts are taking forty winks. I am currently advising everyone to kindly refrain from discussing philosophy with me now, until and unless of course, they want to be drubbed by a very unbalanced man with a keyboard.

Phew! That feels a lot better. So, now....where were we? Yes.....unbalanced man with a keyboard. No...that's not the point. What was the point again? Ah... to feel. I find this feeling or rather, the absence of a feeling very disturbing. This is me. Short man, shorter fuse, very intense and devoid of patience are some of my better virtues. The combination, I am told can be rather difficult, but, I also happen to be highly inspired and from what I hear from those who love me, it is by all the wrong things. Therefore, one might not be incorrect in summarizing me as 'rather a hot-blooded ass, who has a rather weird-ass opinion on most things'. Such an ass cannot exist without feeling for a great many things. I grew up in a farm with the kind of asses that lauded the idealism of Marx and the intention of socialism just as we denounced the stupidity of Stalin. The worst thing that can happen to a philosopher is the successful implementation of his philosophy's mis-interpretation. Eventually, Marx refused to call himself a marxist. We asses looked up to those who were ready to give their lives for a cause, for a faith, for a belief; as long as they were sincere to it, even if it was absolutely contradictory to ours. Denounce them, fight them, but respect them. For, in the end, we don't know which ass is right until our meeting with that ass, St.Peter. We respected asses everywhere, it did not matter which farm they belonged to. We asses refused to be just another animal on just another planet and we thought the only way to establish that would be to live like Gods. To first become idealistic individuals and thereby achieve an idealistic society. And that, I am strongly led to believe, is why we asses remained just that....asses. Atleast, I believe it led to growth. We became bigger asses. Never mind.

I am moved by a great many things. Music, truth, beauty, courage, compassion and genuineness. Witnessing any event involving one or more of these, leaves a lasting impression on me. Which is why I like children. Almost every virtue, good and bad, can be found in them. That level of purity is a sight that fills me up all the time, everytime. Man, not spoilt by experience is just that: a child, an illogical, irrational ass. We'll reserve that for another time, another illogical, irrational blog. The point is, most people I know carry atleast one of these traits. Sometime back, in our favourite kind of sessions, a bitching session, we were listing down the people we hate and why. You know the gossip, the explosive type. Absolute dynamite. At last came my turn.

"Hmmm......Nobody really. Until and unless someone is positively scheming and intends to harm without reason, I cannot hold their belief against them. After all there is always their side to the argument."

"God. I don't believe you are being diplomatic now. Why do you always answer with a 'depends'? Just apply Ockham's razor and give a straight answer.", said a very disappointed friend, denied of his gossip, "Do you always have to be ambivalent?"

"Well.....Hmmm....Yes and No.", I put him down like a bedspread.

"There you go again. I don't believe this."

"Fine! There is this chap who I find very difficult to tolerate. As in, he's always out to give me trouble. But, mind you, it's only contradicting interests. In himself he's very genuine."

"So are you. You genuinely dislike him."

I gave my buddha-smile ( if I was capable of such a thing ).
All a person can do is try. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to meet my levels of tolerance, but I can atleast try. Sometimes, I feel as fake as the unicorn’s horn they sell in the market for it’s magical powers. The power is fake. And anyone who buys it, is going be faking fake bliss. But then, isn’t that what most of us do all the time?? Utopia, Aliens, World State, World Peace, Brotherhood, Unicorns, what’s the difference? Everything’s fine, all the time. Isn’t it? Feel boy, feel. But please feel, real.

I once knew a person who would pick up his guitar, clear his throat and begin. It was magical. There wouldn’t be a trace of music in either instrument or player. Yet, he’d close his eyes and sing and be immersed in it. Blessed is he. He doesn’t even need music to feel it’s bliss. The lamb who wanders and grazes without a care for the tiger is the wise one. The one’s like us who remain in the flock, realize the incompetence of the shepard, and look around for a predator, living in fear and hesitation is the fool. Ignorance is bliss. In a similar argument with such a wise person, I was told that I needed help. When I asked why, I was told, "You know, when you know that you know far more than you need to know, you know you need help."

It took me sometime to get it, but when I did, I knew that I did not need to know that.

It did not take me too long to realize that wealth is not happiness, and in the end a person only wants to be happy. Anyway, that is old philosophy, least realized but oft spoken about. But now I realized that information is not knowledge and knowledge is not intelligence. Intelligence is not wisdom and wisdom is not happiness. Therefore, how much you know will not make you happy and we have already established that how much you have will not make you happy either.

Which is where we come back to where we started. Feel. Bliss you can achieve only by feeling. So what is this feel? It’s well.... just a feeling. Intangible but it’s presence or absence is all-pervading. For me, God is just that. It’s a feeling. The concept of feel can be applied to anything. Haven’t you ever had the feeling that a person or an object is perfect in all respects but there is that something missing, something, you cannot pin-point. You know something’s missing, you just can’t say what. That quality, never quantity, is feeling. Apply it to anything. Music, an instrument, the player, bikes, cars, people, philosophy, love, sex, anything; it’s gotta have that feel. Your kind of feel. Or else it’s out. The feel, like life itself, never follows logic, its never rational. But without the feeling, life just is not the same. Without a feel for everything and everyone in your daily life, you can never be happy. Without a feel for anyone or anything, you are classified under the group titled ‘inanimate objects’. Sometimes baby, you gotta feel, just to feel alive.

Hmmm.....Time to hit the books again. God, I just don't feel like it.